Beginner's Mind

A.K.A. In every situation in life, you are either selling or being sold.

In 2015, I attended a program called: “Persuasion - Influence without authority” at Columbia Business School, New York, as part of my personal development plan at work. Here is what I’ve learned.

You are persuading already

There are various techniques of ethical persuasion. In case you hoped this read would make your childhood finally love fall in love with you, I am sorry to disappoint.

Have you ever felt compelled to invite someone to your birthday party just because this person invited you to his/ her party earlier? This is reciprocity in persuasion. 

Have you ever felt compelled to do more for someone you like than for others you don’t? There is a reason why the sales executives build rapport from the beginning. It’s about finding things they have in common. This is called liking.

Have you ever wondered why there are signs “use both lanes” at airport security? Because people tend to do what others around them do. Once, I didn't miss a flight because I used a lane almost no one else used. Everyone assumed it was for local people only and stayed in the long queue. It is also the reason why people don’t take action when other people are in danger. They think someone else will help. This is social proof.

Have you ever wondered why most people are unwilling to change their opinion even though the facts clearly state the opposite? People want to be viewed as consistent. And consistency leads to commitment. There is a reason why people who don’t vote opt out of the political system. This is commitment and consistency. 

You probably noticed that real estate agents tend to tell you that they have many other people expressing their interest in this house? It’s not a secret that special offers in retail are more desirable when (you think) they are only available for a certain period. This is scarcity.

Have you ever felt more compelled to adhere to requests from people in uniforms? Uniforms and titles signal authority and expertise. You are much less likely to question these. This is called authority. 

I am sure that you at least experienced some of the above. Maybe you weren’t aware of it. And maybe you didn’t know that there are different social styles with different preferences: Drivers, Amiables, Expressives, and Analytical. Look them up.

And just because you used these techniques consciously or unconsciously for a long time doesn’t mean you are good at it. Let’s say you have five years of experience in a job. Does that mean you are great at what you are doing? Experience certainly helps, but correlation doesn’t equal causation. So maybe it's more accurate to say that you have two years of experience and three years of practice.

Your common sense isn’t everyone’s

Neither your own opinion nor facts matter in persuasion. Guess no one questions this given the current political climate. Two stories to illustrate that your common sense isn’t necessarily everyone's.

One attendee told us about his work at a pharmaceutical company. They invented a treatment to reduce infant mortality and did not want to spend money on lobbying in Washington D.C. All resources should be spent on R&D and distribution. Who would seriously argue that a proven method to reduce infant mortality isn’t worth supporting? Well, they figured out very soon that lobby is a necessary evil to get things done. Every politician is approached continuously by lobbyists who do (or claim to do) great work. It’s merely a competition of priorities which ones a politician should support. Is infant mortality more important than education, veterans or climate change? All these are pressing issues - so are thousands more - and whoever fights for a given cause thinks theirs is the most important and urgent.

The other story happened during the Vietnam War. A Vietnamese delegation rented houses in Paris for themselves and their entire families for two years. They met their American counterparts to negotiate the end of the war. The Americans made quick suggestions: “Let’s agree on this: We stop bombing and establish a demilitarised zone.” Americans were very interested in ending the war for obvious reasons. What was the Vietnamese’ response? “Sounds good but before we talk about it, our table needs to be ten centimetres higher than yours.” The Americans were confused. Thousands of their own people’s lives’ were in danger and they insisted on having another table which is higher than theirs? Hard to believe but yes, that's what they wanted. Not to have another table for the sake of having one but to demonstrate that they weren’t in any rush. They and their families were safe in Paris.

Think about it. Almost everyone’s got their agenda, and this isn’t inherently wrong. The intent is what matters. And this intent might not be your understanding of common sense. This is something Mother Theresa and Donald Trump have in common. Simply put, her goal was canonisation and his to put his name on buildings (among other things).

Persuasion vs. Negotiation vs. Reframing

Persuasion is the opposite of negotiation. I’ve never heard anyone saying: “Let’s meet next week so I can persuade you.”  It’s different from negotiating which is implicit, tell oriented and expensive. “I give you this, and you get that”. It is transparent but expensive at the same time because you negotiate over something. Because you want to find consensus you buy for more or sell for less.

Persuasion is explicit, ask oriented and free. It doesn’t cost you anything but time to persuade someone. If you can’t persuade or negotiate, you still have one option: Reframing.

Let me explain with an example: There once was an epidemic disease breaking out in Africa. The World Health Organization wanted to work with local NGOs to prohibit it from spreading, but faced stiff opposition from the religious leaders of the country. They’ve seen the WHO’s intervention as an attempt of western colonisation. So what did the WHO do? Do you think negotiating or persuading would have worked? Even if, by the time they did the disease would have affected neighbouring countries. The religious leaders were very powerful and influential in contrast to the NGOs.

The WHO had to reframe the problem they address by making them clear it's not about colonisation. It’s about the fact that this disease threatened women’s fertility, something the religious opponents deeply cared about. The WHO reframed the issue and consequently, the religious leaders (2) weren’t fighting them anymore, so their power shrank on this particular topic. At the same time, they provided financial resources to launch awareness campaigns to help the NGOs (1) to be heard and raise their influence.

Conclusion:

Persuasion is an exciting field. To be clear: Ethical persuasion is not about making people do what they don’t want. I guess that’s hard and rightfully so. It’s about letting others overcome the obstacles that are holding them back from taking actions they should take anyways. So again intent is what matters. The critical point is that if you are aware of persuasion, it’s much easier to spot it at the right moment to then react accordingly. 

A few weeks after attending the program, I shared my learnings with 60 colleagues at the quarterly knowledge share day. I was delighted to hear later it was well-received. Another great experience I would have missed if I didn't actively work on my personal development. If someone had told me a few years ago that I'd be interested in psychology, I would not believe this person. So the question is. What will you learn next?

P.S. I am a big fan of the Prof. Dr Bontempo who ran the Persuasion program. Check out this video. Poor quality but great content.